Top 10 Tips for Building Lasting Relationships

1. Keep things interesting. When you’ve been together a while it’s easy to get into the same old routines and become bored. Make time for each other like you did when you first met: go on dates; surprise each other; flirt and let your partner know you still find her attractive.
2. Talk, don't wish! Wishing things would change is rarely effective If a problem keeps cropping up in your relationship talk about it. Avoiding problems may mean lack of conflict in the short term but generally leads to resentment, which damages the relationship in the long term.
3. Don’t “mind read”, ask for clarification When we have been with someone a while it is easy to assume that we know what the other is thinking or feeling but we can often get this wrong. If you are having difficulties in your relationship it may be because you are making wrong assumptions about each other e.g. assuming your partner is no longer interested in you when in fact she is anxious about work. If you do not clarify this it could then lead to further difficulties; so rather than assume, ask.
4. Take time out. Whilst it’s good to make time for each other it’s also important to have time to do things without your partner. It’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all your needs. Make space for both you and your partner to do things apart; you will then have more things to talk about and bring to the relationship when you do spend time together. 
5. “Seal the deal” when you are trying to negotiate/decide something together. We can often fall into the trap of each stating our position on something and then assuming that the other is in agreement with us. This can then lead to further misunderstandings and arguments. So when you have discussed something check with your partner what you have decided: “ So what we are agreeing is…” 
6. Asking yourself “What would it be like to be in a relationship with me?” can be a sobering question. It usually takes two to keep a problem going in a relationship. Consider your own part in this rather than simply blaming your partner.
7. Compliment your partner. This will make both you and your partner feel good and enhance your relationship. A good compliment needs to be sincere and specific and is different from insincere flattery which is likely to have a negative affect as it often feels manipulative. 
8. Ask for what you want rather than negatively criticize. Directly asking for what we want can often make us feel vulnerable, as we fear being rejected. However it is usually far more successful than complaining about the things your partner does wrong, which normally results in defensiveness. Compare “You never take me out” with “Could we go out tonight?” 
9. Really listen to your partner when she is talking. Let her know you’ve heard what she is saying by summarising back, particularly when there is something you are disagreeing about e.g. “So what you are saying is …..”. When your partner feels heard and understood by you she is more likely to be open to hearing your position too. 
10. Be kind to each other. It can be easy to fall into the habit of taking your partner for granted and not treating her with the same kindness and respect you used to. Remember you do not own your partner. She does not have to stay with you but you can make it more conducive for her to want to by treating her as you would like to be treated yourself.

Susan Ratcliffe, is a UKCP registered psychotherapist. She has a private practice in Surrey and the City of London where she offers a comprehensive psychotherapy and counselling service. She specialises in the area of relationship difficulties and sees both individuals and couples. Other areas covered include: sexuality, anxiety, stress, compulsive gambling, loss and depression. Visit Sue's website here.