She took me back but I think I've lost her
I cheated on my long-standing life partner of 8 years. It was a fling – I don’t know why I did it but thankfully my partner, after much angst, agreed to take me back. I don’t know whether that’s the reason, but I think I’ve lost her. We can’t seem to connect and while I know that I can’t turn the clock back, I don’t know how we can resolve issues to be able to move forward. We had been trying for a baby (via a donor) before my affair and we got back together while my partner was pregnant. We now have a beautiful baby daughter and I love them both so much but at a time when life should feel complete it feels like it’s crumbling around me. What can I do?
Mo says: 
There has obviously been a lot going on emotionally for both you and your partner and I get the sense from your letter that all this has happened over a relatively short period of time. First your affair, the break up, the reconciliation, your partner's pregnancy and then the birth of your daughter – these are all very stressful events, for all concerned. My first thoughts on reading your letter were around this fact and I was wondering whether you and indeed your partner have had the chance to talk properly about your affair, why it may have happened, why it won’t occur again and what needs to happen to rebuild your relationship. Whenever someone has an affair, even if it is just a fling, it fractures one of the basic foundation stones of a happy and stable relationship - trust. Just as it takes time to establish trust in the first place, it takes even longer to re-establish it once it has been broken. But time won’t heal it on its own, without any effort, from both of you. The main thing that will help here is real, open and honest communication between the two of you - and that takes time, effort and incredible personal strength. It can be quite uncomfortable discussing such things, that’s why so many couples brush it under the carpet, remain in denial and just drift along focusing their attention on the practical elements of their relationship. This especially happens when there are young children who need attention. The problem is, things never get truly resolved and slowly the relationship degenerates into a series of petty arguments, snide remarks and disconnection, as the unfinished business keeps rearing its head, trying to get attention.
If you haven’t already, it may be a good idea to tell your partner how you feel and how much you want the relationship to work. It may be that there is still unresolved hurt on her side and also unresolved guilt on yours. This all needs discussing and bringing out into the open. Ask her what needs to happen for her to trust you again, if indeed this is still an issue. Ask yourself what needs to happen for you to let go of your guilt, once again if this is an issue.
Even though you now have the demands (and the enjoyment) of your young daughter, it is absolutely crucial for you and your partner to have quality time together, not only to discuss what’s happening in your relationship, but also to nurture and nourish it, especially after what has happened.
I just can't seem to 'do' long term
I have got the most fantastic girlfriend who I love but I’ve never been able to manage a long-term relationship and although I want to be with her, I think it’s freaking me out too. I can feel myself almost looking for an excuse to mess it up but I know I don’t want to either. I’m so confused. What can I do?
Mo says:
You are certainly not alone in your feelings. Many people fear the commitment of a long term relationship. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but when analysed most of them are fuelled by some kind of fear. Some people may fear the perceived restriction that may be imposed on their freedom, some may fear the prospect of being controlled, some people may fear the pain of loss if the relationship breaks down. Some people may fear boredom, others fear losing part of themselves and feeling weak as a result. There are many, many reasons, depending on someone’s personality, life experiences etc. Sometimes these drivers can be so strong that, no matter how much love there seems to be for the other person, the relationship can easily be sabotaged.
The most important thing is to identify what it is that’s driving you to ‘mess it up’, so that you can work on it and stop it getting in the way of your happiness. You mention that ‘you’ve never been able manage a long term relationship’. What happens? After how long? Is there a definite pattern? Can you identify what it is you might be frightened of? Can you get to the root of what’s ‘freaking you out’.
It sounds like you really want this relationship to work and I sense that you’re really concerned that you’re looking for an excuse to mess it up. This could point to a couple of things. Your fear may be about the unexpected loss of someone close (and the pain associated with that). The motivation behind the ‘wanting to mess it up’ centres on the desire to get it over and done with and on your terms, rather than be caught out unexpectedly.
You may need to talk this through with a qualified therapist who will help you identify the patterns of behaviour in relationships in the past and to consider any situations and experiences you may have gone through early in life which may be fuelling this behaviour. I don’t suggest you spend a lot of time ruminating about the past, just enough to help your self awareness and understanding. You can then concentrate on strategies to change those thoughts, feelings and behaviours, which may be sabotaging your current happiness in your relationship. If you do decide to proceed with this, you might like to consider a therapist who uses cognitive behavioural techniques, which will help in this respect.
