(The follow-on from Sweet Awakenings)
With hindsight, I would have known it wouldn’t last, but I was young and thought we’d stay together forever - which is what we told each other. And I meant it, or so I thought.
We managed to get a flat together: it was a ground floor flat, with lots of room. Not at all like the awful cold bed-sitters I’d had to endure with a fellow student nurse Gwyneth from Pontypridd! She was straight and forever going on about her precious Ron: hell how she annoyed me with her untidy blusterous ways. Though we were friends - had to be, to endure a winter with no heating!!
This flat was heaven, and life was idyllic. Sue was tidy, loving and we discovered ourselves, there in our loving nest. Life was sweet, and I passed my final exams and became a staff nurse. Not long afterwards, Sue did the same, and we were so happy. 
Then Sue got posted full time onto night duty, and I remained on day duty. We started to see less and less of each other socially, and I found myself with five nights of the week alone. It was bound to happen: I fell in with a crowd of younger nurses. We used to go out in the evenings, walking to the seafront, and sitting on the rocks, always laughing, I remember.
Then the group pared down to just a few, and then just three of us. Sue and I were still very happy, but completely in the closet about our sexuality of course. Two of the younger group of nurses, Felicity and Jane, used to come to the flat, and we’d drink some cider, and listen to music. It was all very harmless, and although I thought Jane was rather lovely, I had no designs on her. Sue knew about them being there, and started to get more and more jealous - with no justification.
One night at the flat when Sue was at work, and we’d had a little more cider than was good for us, Felicity decided to go home early, having to work at 7am the next morning. Jane and I sat on the settee, finishing off a bottle of cider. I looked at her, and Sue’s accusations went through my mind. She’d said that I fancied Jane, and that we were already ‘doing things’ behind her back. Well, at that point we weren’t……. then I kissed Jane, just lightly on the lips. She didn’t respond, and I thought ‘Oh my god, that’s it, she’s disgusted with me, I’ve blown it’. She got up and made her excuses, and left. I was a mess, running after her apologising; saying I didn’t know what came over me.
In those days, to be found out was the pits. There were no words like gay or straight: you were a deviant - of the worst kind, and would be whispered about, and no-one would want to be seen with you. I thought Jane would go back to our friends and spread the gossip, and I would be ostracised at the very least. But no, she didn’t tell. But she did keep her distance for a while.
Meantime, Sue had got the idea that I was ‘seeing’ Jane, and that all I had wanted to happen, had! One afternoon, it all came to a head, and we had a blazing row. I’d had enough, and to my cost, I realised I did not love Sue any more. I say to my cost, due to a couple of things.
I told Sue I didn’t love her, and she picked up a large carving knife in the kitchen and lunged at me with it. Luckily I turned around in time to see her coming, and managed to grab her wrist, and wrestle her to the ground, get the knife and then console her.
It was obvious that she was not well, and shortly afterwards, following an incident at the hospital (I wasn’t sure what) she was admitted as a patient, and seen by a psychiatrist. All my fault - I know, and I was deeply sorry, but never thought that she would do what she did!
I had just changed wards; only been on there a couple of weeks, and didn’t like it. The sister in charge was vile, and it wasn’t my favourite ward. Still, you went where you were sent in those days, and no questions asked.
One morning, I went to look at the off-duty , and found she had missed my name off the list. As I was second in command, this was a gross error in my book, so I went to find her and ask why, when she flounced into the office, saying Matron wanted to see me immediately, and she wouldn’t even listen to my questions about the off-duty.
I walked across the hospital to the Holy of Holies - Matron’s Office. I waited outside for ages before I was summoned in. Matron sat there in her massive office, behind her massive ornate wooden desk, wearing her crisp dark uniform with frilly net edgings, and frilly cap. I sat there in my blue staff nurse’s uniform, never imagining for one moment what she was about to say.
She sacked me on the spot, and told me to leave the hospital immediately, as I’d had a bad influence on several of the younger nurses. She opened the drawer of her lovely big desk and handed me my cards. She even gave me her own lacy hanky to dry my eyes, as I was distraught by this time. I looked at her, and she was as hard as steel, but in those nasty little eyes there was also a glint of excitement. Dirty old dyke! I walked out of the hospital, head down in complete disgrace - not to return for 40 years, when a block of flats had taken its place.
It turned out that Sue had told the psychiatrist about us, who in turn had told the Hospital Management - and Matron. The advice my own doctor gave me (which I didn’t take), was t to get a job on a ship! Luckily for me, it was a quick way out of a bad situation. I made my way back to my home town to start a new life.
What I’d done to Sue was unforgivable, but she did sort of forgive me years later, but as time was to show, hers wasn’t the first heart I broke: and I was to get mine broken a few times too!
Rosie D Evans
