Short Story > Silent Love

Being in love is never easy. Being in love with someone who cannot hear when you murmur "I love you" in dream-sleep is not easy either. But, being in love with someone who cannot hear or see you because you are dead......well, that's not easy, but you learn to live with it, if you will pardon the pun.

I could hear the birds singing every morning, and the cars roaring past my window. I could even hear her snoring and singing her little song that sounded like "Mmmmmm" when she did not even know it. I could hear all this because I was 'hearing' but she could not.

Why?

Well, she was deaf.

I worked with the Social Work Department and selfishly thought it might help my career prospects if I could communicate with 'THE DEAF', so I enrolled at my local college for evening classes, passed Stage One in British Sign Language and went on for Stage Two.

And that is where my problems began. I saw my tutor and I fell in love. Just like that.

But she ignored - no, not ignored - she treated me like any other student and I knew I would have to make her love me.

When you fall in love, do you care if the object of your desire is deaf?

No.

I fell in love with the way her hands talked and when her fingers moved, her face lit up. I sat in awe and tried to sign in front of my mirror: I would never be good enough for her.

Why?

Because I could hear.

If you think two and two is five, then you are wrong. If you think a lovely, beautiful deaf girl cannot love a hearing woman, then you are also wrong. I got her, I still do not really know how I got her, but I got her. She was my girlfriend and, one day, I believe, I would have made her my wife.

I signed to her, "You love me - Why?"

She said "You love me for be me. You never complain me need subtitles, you get me special video player for films, then me-you enjoy same. Nothing too much trouble. You understand me no hear and you make me feel included. You tell me what happen. Before, other people can't be bothered, I too much work."

I held her in my arms, tightly, and when she fell asleep, she never heard me crying.

I held her hand in the dark of night, I fingerspelled "I love you", because she taught me the 'DeafBlind' alphabet and I wanted her to know I would do anything for her.

We spent summer nights walking the scenic views in my bonny Ayrshire and she would sign "Can you hear river? Me can't."

And I would feel that sadness overcome me again.

But, that sadness was for me, wasn't it? I wanted her to be like me, to hear like me, to poke me in the ribs during the night because I was snoring too loudly and keeping her awake. Was I sad for her? She never complained. She said "Talk to me" and I knew she meant I was to tell her a story with my hands to make her laugh.

So I did, because I loved her, and she laughed, and that made me happy because she had enough struggles in her life. She got forms to fill in and asked me to help. Because my English was better. We went to "Boots" and she signed "Me need cough mixture - tickly throat. You interpret?" And I did it all for her because of the love in my heart.

When we were alone, she would sign "You nicest person me met, you never moan, me know you love me, me bought you favourite soup." Then I knew she had gone shopping and she had thought of me and I sank to the bottom of my heart, where I found her, and I smiled and happily ate the soup.

And that night when I cried my tears, she still never heard. My silent tears. But she squeezed my hand and that spoke more than a thousand words ever could. It told me she loved me and what more could I ask than that?

Just to have her love was enough.

My friends said to me "Come on! Get a normal girlfriend. We don't know what she's saying."

I felt my anger rise. "What's a 'normal girlfriend'?"

YOU DON'T SEE WHAT I CAN HEAR!

She came with me, when we all went out and she smiled politely when my 'friends' shouted at her. I signed, patiently, what they said and she signed "Yes, me know, me lipread, they stupid" and we laughed together, locked in our world of silence, signing, hands, and, above all, love. My friends gave up and made excuses but I knew the real reason. It was too difficult for them to communicate and they did not care enough to try. They were friends I could do without.

Because they could not see what I could hear. She made a picture, and I followed her story, thinking how beautiful her hands were, and then she planted a kiss on my nose, signing "Lovely hearing woman, you love me - Why?"

What could I say? You say more to me with your hands than anyone else has ever said to me with their voice? You say more to me with your eyes and expressions than I have ever heard with my perfect, working ears? So, I just said "I love you" and hoped that was enough.

But love is never enough, is it? When you are in love, you think it is all that matters, but two plus two is not five and I was wrong. My girlfriend was deaf, I was hearing and both our families were hearing. They sat amused, thinking "It'll never last: she'll get fed up being with a deaf girl." They were wrong.

You do not fall in love with ears and sounds. You fall in love with a person, and I had fallen in love with her, and really, she had fallen in love with me. But the love was not enough.

I can still remember it, you know, the day it all happened. I had gone shopping, to buy her engagement ring, and when I was driving home to her flat (because home is where the heart is and my heart was with her), I forgot to be careful.

I forgot to be careful and never heard the noise of my car.

I NEVER HEARD.

(My 'friends' said "But how can she dance?" "She feels the beat." She was right; they were stupid.)

And when I took a corner just that wee bit too fast and I felt my wheels skid, I realised I was going to die. If nothing had been coming towards me, I would have hit a fence and lived, but it was a lorry. I had no chance against a lorry.

I heard and felt nothing. I never heard my neck snap or my spine break but I saw her say "I love you" and I died with a smile on my face.

Then, the nightmare began because I did not go away. How could I go to Heaven knowing she had a broken heart? I told her many times "If you happy, then me happy."

She was not happy. I saw my father go to her house and write a note. "Jenny is dead. She had a car accident." She read the note and threw it down, ran away to her bedroom and her walls of silence. I heard my parents say "What will we do? Do you think she wants us here?" and then my mother crying. They left another note telling her about the funeral and I tried to put my arms around them all, but most of all, I
tried to put my arms around her.

I saw her lying on her bed, crying and crying, and I stood there signing "Please don't cry, baby. I love you, I'll always be here. I'm never going to leave you."

But she couldn't hear me. And she could not see me to hear me! Now I knew the frustration she had felt for so many years: hear me! see me! listen to me! why can't you see me?

But, I was dead, wasn't I? That's why she couldn't hear me.

I sat and watched her, followed her. She went to work and tried to be strong and all I could think was "Why was I not allowed to love her? I could have made her happy. Why did I have to die? She's been left to this uncaring, hearing world and I could have protected her."

WHY is a very big question.

"You-hearing woman, love me -WHY?"

Because you are the nicest, kindest person I have ever met.

"But, me no hear, you no fed up - WHY?"

"I love you."

"Me too. But WHY?"

She always asked me WHY and I could never answer, that's why she kept asking.

I sat through my funeral and watched her mummy and daddy hold her hands and say words of comfort that she could not hear. Inside, I heard her scream, "Jenny, you leave me - WHY? Me love you."

I could not answer. What was I supposed to say? I loved you, and wanted to surprise you by buying an engagement ring but, unfortunately, I hit a truck on the way home.

HOME is where the heart is. My darling, my beautiful, little deaf girl, a hearing woman loves you and never forget that.

"Me no forget, Jen," she signed, as my coffin wheeled away out of sight. I watched her stagger in the car park on the way to her parents car, and how her father held her up. I had wished those arms were mine.

To touch her once more...........

I have watched her for a long time now. Do you believe in guardian angels? No?

Well, you should, trust me, I'm a ghost. She tried to forget me and she tried to remember me. I ached to reach out and touch her but knew, not only could she not hear me, she could not see me. I was dead.

I was her guardian angel.

I saw a man, a deaf man, try to be nice to her and saw her cut him off.

WHY? She remembered me!

But no, darling, I want you to be happy, and I am gone now and you must try to be happy.

I watched him, because I had to be sure he would not hurt her, and when I realised he loved her, maybe not as much as I had, but he loved her all the same, I knew I would have to make her see.

I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE HER HEAR ME!

He phoned her, textphone, and I knew the way the dead know, that she was going to say NO to him. I did not want her to be lonely and heart-broken. I took over her fingers and typed:

"Yes, 7pm would be fine. Pick me up."

I saw her look at the keyboard and when he signed off, I typed "Life goes on, my love. He's a good man and will look after you. Be with your kind now. Love Jenny xx GA"

She started to cry, but with a smile on her face and she signed to her empty room, "You here, me know, me feel you. Me love you and me never forget."

I typed "Don't forget. Be proud of who you are. Go and challenge the world!"

She laughed, amid her tears, "Ok, Jen, me trust you always."

I am still her guardian angel and when the hearing woman got the jitters signing at her wedding, it was me who guided her hands. And when my girl smiled at her new husband, yes I thought "That should have been me" and then I saw she wore my engagement ring. The ring I thought was lost in the crash......How did she get it?

I am only a ghost and I do not know everything but I know she has someone who loves her, and I can go to Heaven happy but I think I will stay and watch her for just a little while longer.

Just to see the magic of her hands one last time.

Karen Campbell