(On a Budget – yeah right!)
I could insult your intelligence and just list all the gay bars in Soho here but anyone can go on-line and pull up a list of these. Besides I didn’t go to London with my gay best friend or a girlfriend; I went to London with my 14 year old son. He has a passion for dancing, fancies studying in London one day perhaps and chose this as a holiday destination over Majorca or Centre Parks.
We wanted to see some fine art and take in a show or two, eat out and do some capital shopping. In three nights and days we managed to cover the lot: in fact we saw three shows!
Before we travelled I checked out various deals for shows on line. Some come with a set-menu meal in a pizza restaurant, other deals are 2 for 1 and we managed to get a great offer for two top price seats (£45 each) to Footloose with a 3-star hotel thrown in free! (www.holidayextras.co.uk)
Now, being a cynic I am always sceptical over any something for nothing offer. I wasn’t surprised to find our 3-star hotel was at the far edge of Zone 2 and not even a short taxi ride from the nearest tube station, let alone a short walk. But the Jury’s Inn Chelsea was more than pleasant and the fabulous views over Chelsea Harbour were well worth the journey. (Think fragment of Thames, state of the art and – who knows how expensive – apartments, surrounded by furniture studios and auction houses, and you get the general gist.) The alarm bells were really ringing by this time, if the hotel was genuine how awful were the top price seats going to be?
We nipped to Hamley’s on Regent Street before the show; my lad had never been to London before and was almost as impressed by 6 floors of toys and games as I was 30 years previously on my first visit. We had a play with the demonstration models then wandered from street performance to street performance in Covent Garden.
We arrived at the very glamorous Novello Theatre early to collect our tickets and cautiously entered the auditorium. Our seats were in the stalls; not at the back, not behind a pillar, not next to the loos but smack in the middle of the 3rd row from the front! It was fabulous, as a new show the energy levels from the performers couldn’t have been higher and we were so absorbed into the atmosphere we felt like we lived in Beaumont! It was a double pleasure seeing a show like that with Joel. I not only enjoyed my own experience but the satisfaction derived from witnessing his awe at the spectacle and his concentration and admiration of the dance steps was inspiring.
After the show the scent of Italian food beckoned and we took a set menu for less than £10 a head before making our way back to Chelsea. In the morning Joel stocked up on several return visits to the continental breakfast buffet before I dragged him far, far north to Wembley and our real hotel. The Ibis Wembley was just £37.00 a night for a twin room on their summer special offer but I wasn’t so forgiving about the zone this time (Zone 4!!), especially when the check-in staff made us wait the 15mins until their official 12 noon check in time then gave us a double room. Show me a 14yr old boy who wants to share a bed with his mother? Then we found ourselves timing each and every one of the 18 stops to Waterloo, fearing we would miss our seats on the 1.30pm Duck Tour! Incidentally, I was always taught to allow 5 minutes per stop on the tube but we did do the 18 in just over an hour (although it’s not good for the nerves).
The Duck Tour leaves regularly from Chicheley Street on the South Bank and whilst perhaps it doesn’t provide the all-inclusive photo opportunity of the open-top tourist bus, nothing compares to this eccentric amphibious experience; half way into the 75 min tour, the bus drives straight into the Thames for 30 minutes of river views!
The Duck Tour is £17.50 for adults, £14.00 for students, children over 12 and OAP’s and under-12s are just £12.00 however if you miss your departure there is no refund! There are Family Tickets available for 2 adults and 2 children at £53.00; I checked they are happy if the 2 adults are both women – they don’t even care if you are aliens as long as you arrive on time it seems! (www.londonducktours.co.uk)
We were ideally placed for the London Eye at the end of the tour but the waiting time is horrendous if you don’t book ahead. I am no good at heights anyway, so we chose to walk to the Tate Modern. We spent more money on fruit, sandwiches, crisps, drinks and ice cream at a branch of ‘Eat’ than we did on a 2 course supper the previous night (over £20!!!) Passing by the National Theatre on the South Bank it was hard to avoid the ‘real-life’ statues. My 14 year old wondered at the predicament he would have to find himself in before resorting to spraying every visible fragment of his skin bronze, donning an historical costume and standing motionless from dawn till dusk, despite thunder showers, but was impressed by the headless Hamlet!
I’d never visited the Tate Modern before and I do appreciate the sentiment in some exhibits which elude more traditional art lovers. The Millennium Bridge was also a new experience but these free attractions were excellent: Joel liked the canvases hung from St Paul’s Cathedral scaffolding; you honestly can’t tell from a distance that they aren’t the real thing.
Trafalgar square was busy with a dance festival (ideal for the boy!) I had walked too far by the time we took up our not-so-clever seats in the Vaudeville for Stomp. Had it not been for the incessant banging of brooms and bin lids I would have taken a well earned 40 winks! To be fair, Stomp really isn’t my bag but my dance-crazed teenager was possibly more overwhelmed than he was the night before!
Never one to be selfless without reward, I insisted on a Greek meal after the show (and lets face it – it is my Barclaycard!) so we did our research and luckily Souvlaki – The Real Greek was just around the corner on Long Acre, for me this was an absolute highlight of the weekend and I don’t know where to begin describing the delights of this under-rated cuisine.
Our third day took us to the Museum of London which I remember as a child, the Great fire of London scene seemed a little less real in these days of virtual reality but the original Victorian shops and the Lord Mayor’s golden coach were as magical as ever.
Then we took a nostalgic trip (for me) to Camden Lock Market. I misspent many a weekend of my youth in Camden and it still has that crazy edge. Joel bought shades and a hat and we ate lunch from crepe stalls and drank the sharpest homemade lemonade.
In the afternoon I dragged him to the Admiral Duncan Pub in Soho, not for a drink but to join a Kairo’s walking tour of Lesbian & Gay Soho. The historical stroll encompasses the streets that have witnessed the sexy secrets, trials, and triumphs of gay life for nearly a thousand years. We learned about the 17th Century 'Molly' Trials and found the haunts of Oscar Wilde, Noel Coward, Virginia Woolf and Derek Jarman. From the clandestine club life of the 1930's & 40's through the underground movement in the 50’s and 60’s to the rich diversity of Soho today. We donated just £5 each to the organiser’s charity for this enlightening experience. (www.kairosinsoho.org.uk/tours.asp). Joel enjoyed the tour – it was thought provoking and enlightening but I wouldn’t take an under 12 on it they’d get bored and tired, and the language, while not too strong had a fair bit of innuendo in it. 
As evening drew close and my ability to walk decreased we felt sorry we hadn’t pre-booked another show. Just round the corner in Leicester Square we joined a very long queue at the Official Half Price Theatre Ticket Booth. Approaching my credit limit we wanted a real bargain; balcony seats for Chicago at £13.50 each!! Joel, keeping his hat on throughout the performance, couldn’t have upset those in the row behind us because there wasn’t a row behind us! We fully understood the nickname ‘The Gods’ but 50p bought us binoculars and Brenda from X Factor’s voice as Momma Morton reached us just fine.
All too quickly our weekend was over and it was time to take the train home. I was exhausted and couldn’t walk another step. I really wouldn’t consider moving back to London and admire those who commute hours on the tube on a daily basis. With or without a wide-eyed teenager London is as good a city break as any European capital and English is at least amongst the 350 languages spoken there.
