Past Problems

How can I extend my sapphic social circle?
I am 42 years old and was married for 11 years and have a 6 year old child. My husband and I separated a year and a half ago. During the last 3 years of the marriage I realised I was gay. I have told my close friends, some of whom were not surprised, and my parents guessed quite a long time ago, so coming out as it were, albeit to a small group of people has not been too traumatic thus far. I live in Hertfordshire and have had a relationship with a woman since last December. We met whilst I was still married.

Now that has ended and I don't know any gay people in my area I feel stuck and it may sound silly, but I don't know what to do about it. I have never been to a gay bar and don't want to walk into one on my own. Perhaps there is some nervousness on my part but I am finding it difficult to meet like minded people. It would be great to have someone just to talk to. I would greatly appreciate your help and advice.

Sue says:
I can understand your reluctance to walk into a gay bar on your own. I think many people find it hard. Luckily there are a number of gay/lesbian dating sites on the Internet, which might be a good place to start. I just typed in “Hertfordshire Lesbians” into Google and found a site which detailed a number of gay women in your area of all different types and ages, some want friendship and others more.

You could also have a look in the personal ads of Diva magazine (which you can get at WH Smiths). If you decide to go down either of these routes and decide to meet up with someone then do meet in a public place and don’t give them your personal details until you are sure you want to continue the relationship. Also let someone else know where you are going when meeting someone for the first time. This may sound a little over cautious but it’s best to be on the safe side. Good luck.

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We're not compatible in bed!
My girlfriend and I have been together now for about 3 years and although I love her to bits and imagine myself being with her for the long term we don’t seem to be that compatible in bed. It sounds completely stupid but I can’t seem to have an orgasm with her even though I’m really in love with her. I have tried to talk about it with her but she got all offended and wouldn’t speak to me for days afterwards and now I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Sue says:
Reading between the lines I’m assuming that this problem doesn’t stem from some issue in your own background which makes it hard for you to relax sexually and that it’s perhaps more about your girlfriend’s technique that isn’t working for you?

A good sex life is built on effective communication and just as you can’t expect your partner to know how you like your tea in the morning without telling them, equally you cant expect them to know what pleases you sexually. The difficulty is, as you have experienced, for many it is a very sensitive subject and often quite hard to talk about. Taking a light and playful approach may get better results. For example next time you are having sex you might try putting you hand over hers and gently guiding her a little. When she gets it right make some encouraging noises and tell her how good it feels. Most of us respond better to a little praise rather than criticism. You might also suggest you like the idea of watching each other masturbate; if she’s keen you can then show her how you like to be touched. If you want to introduce something new you could do it slightly indirectly by saying something like “I was reading this article the other day/I saw this advert for…and it sounded fun, what do you think?”

If you’re still not getting very far, then you may need to try broaching the subject again, but outside the bedroom, picking a time when you’re both relaxed. You might try introducing the subject by asking her if she’s happy with your sex life and whether there is anything you can do for her to make it better. If she does become offended try and stay calm and reassure her that you love her and that this isn’t a rejection of her.

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Can you be addicted to bingo? 
I know this might be an odd question but, can you become addicted to bingo?! My girlfriend used to go once a week but over the last 6 months it’s changed to about 4 times a week. Whilst I don’t mind her having fun – I’m worried that it’s becoming an obsession.

I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she just laughs and thinks I’m over-reacting. She is spending almost £100 per week which we’re struggling to afford. She says she is trying to win us the jackpot for holidays and all the good things in life. Whilst this is lovely – I do worry. What, if anything can I do? 

Sue says:
Bingo is a form of gambling and yes people can become addicted to it, just as some become addicted to betting on horses or playing in casinos. You can get a useful leaflet from www.gamcare.org.uk which lists some of the common signs and symptoms of a problem gambler. The fact that your girlfriend is playing more frequently and spending more than you can really afford is cause for concern.

I think that it is important for you to talk to her again, stressing your unease about the situation. If possible try and get her to seek some help; a good first step would be for her to call the Gamcare Helpline 0845 6000 133. This offers advice and support for problem gamblers and their families. If she still thinks you are overreacting you yourself may find it helpful to talk to someone on the helpline. Simply because your girlfriend does not feel she has a problem, does not necessarily mean that she has not.

Often people with gambling problems lie both to themselves and others. One of my concerns for you would be about protecting your own financial position and ultimately you may need to be quite tough about this, both to protect yourself and to help your girlfriend. 

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How can I take those first steps? 
You know the movie.... “Forty year old virgin”? Well, that’s me” I want to move forward with my life but I’m terrified of taking those first steps. What support is out there for someone of my age? 


Sue says:
You’ve already taken the first step by identifying that you want to move forward, so good for you. However, I can understand how daunting your situation might feel. You don’t say where you are in the country but a good starting point would be to contact Kenric, www.kenric.org.uk which is a national organisation offering a social network to lesbians throughout the UK, or the gay press like Diva or the Pink Paper.

There are also a growing number of lesbian chat rooms online that you may wish to explore. Do remember, however, that if you are arrange to meet up with someone, you should take steps to ensure your safety i.e. meet in a public place and let someone know where you are going. Good luck!

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How do I find a lesbian-friendly GP?
Can you please point me in the right direction? I’m looking for "A LIST" that may be in circulation!

I have the daunting task of finding a doctor to register with, and would prefer to register with a lesbian or lesbian friendly doctor.   I live in E17, and fall just out of the catchment area for a practice that is lesbian and gay friendly.

Any ideas of where to start looking?

Mo Says:
Having made several enquiries into the existence of ‘a list’ of lesbian and gay friendly doctors and concluding that there probably isn’t one, I recognize that trying to find a suitable practice in your catchment area is indeed a very daunting task. However I do have a couple of suggested organizations that may be able to help.

Firstly there is GLADD – Gay and Lesbian Association of Doctors and Dentists. Although primarily set up as an association specifically for gay and lesbian doctors and dentists, this organization may be able to help you locate a lesbian friendly GP/Practice in your area. They do not hold specific lists as you mentioned because, quite rightly in my view, they believe that ‘all patients deserve to be cared for by doctors and dentists who are non-judgemental in their attitudes and beliefs, particularly with regard to sexual orientation'. This view is backed by the general Medical Council. They also believe that by maintaining such a list then they would be condoning the actions of those GPs who are not particularly LGBT friendly.

You can contact GLADD on 0870 765 5606 or via their website by clicking here.

You could also try Stonewall or tel: 020 7881 9440 or The London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 020 7837 7324.

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I'm jealous of my girlfriend's best friend
I’m really jealous of my girlfriend’s best friend. We’ve been together for three years now and she still talks to her more than me. What can I do, should I be jealous? Is it normal for her to talk to someone else more than her partner? I just don’t know what I can say to make her talk to me more.

Mo Says:
Firstly let me assure you that you are not alone with this problem. It is not uncommon for people when they are in a relationship to feel threatened by the attention our partners give to others. The degree to which we are affected depends very much on our feelings of security, both in ourselves and in the relationship we’re in. These feelings of security stem from our own life experiences (particularly around childhood) and the experiences within the relationship.

One of the fundamental reasons that the majority of people seek to be in a close intimate relationship is the feelings of security such relationships generate. It is therefore quite natural to fear something that we perceive as a threat to this security and that is exactly what jealousy is, fear.

Although it is quite natural, it’s not healthy, not for you or your relationship.
The good news is that you’ve recognized this and are obviously keen to do something about it, which is extremely positive.

It’s important to remember that ‘no relationship is an island’ and all relationships need the social interaction of other people around to enrich them. Some of the strongest relationships can be ruined if either of the partners feel they are being restricted or suffocated by the other. In answer to the question if it’s normal for your partner to talk to someone else more than you, it really does depend on what’s being discussed. Different people address different needs within us and it is quite natural to converse with different people on different things. Because of their varied life experiences, other people can offer us different perspectives and levels of understanding about different issues.

Without further information about your individual personalities and behaviours and the dynamics of your relationship, it’s difficult to offer more specific advice. However there are some key generic elements which will encourage people to delight in talking to you:-

• Ask questions – about her day, her feelings, her plans, what she wants
• Acknowledge and empathise with her feelings
• Maintain eye contact and look at her with love and understanding
• Be receptive to whatever she has to say (whether you agree with it or not)
• Bring laughter into your conversations, whenever you can – its incredible for generating positive energy between people
• Relax and believe that you are the most important person in her life (you will generate much more positive energy around yourself which is very attractive to people)

You also need to consider if there is something causing a particular barrier between the two of you. Are there any past issues that haven’t been resolved? Is there anything currently going on, that is not being openly addressed?

When we have been in a relationship for a while, it is sometimes easy to forget to be friends with our partners, to love them like a friend as well as a lover. Be a friend to her as well as a lover but remember she needs other people in her life as well, and so do you.

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How do you know if you're gay?
I know this might sound a bit of a cliché but how do you know that you’re gay? I’m sure I am, I’ve had boyfriends and have had sex but have never enjoyed it. I don’t actually fancy any specific women I just know that I don’t feel right with a man although everyone (as in friends and family) expect me to be heterosexual. I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone or want to go to any ‘meetings’ at the moment but some advice would be appreciated.

Lorna Says:
How do you know you are gay is such a broad question because it is different for each person, yet your letter says you’re sure you are gay. You seem aware of the expectations of others that you will be heterosexual, and such expectations can be difficult to live up to if it’s not who you really are. It can be confusing because probably no one would have prepared you for this. The main thing is to try not to hide your feelings from yourself. In being sure that you are gay be easy on yourself, coming out is one of the hardest things to do. Coming out to yourself is the first stage and perhaps when you are ready to go to the “meetings” you talked about or get some advice face to face this will give you the additional support you may need.

Equally, the confirmation that comes of your sexual orientation may not be something you can initially put a name to and it may develop over time. Beginning to be aware of your sexuality being different may give you the opportunity to check out, even from a distance, where your feelings of attraction lie and with which sex. Please don’t think you have to sleep with a woman to work this out. Whilst sex is a big part of sexual orientation it is important to listen to your heart as well.

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My girlfriend and her friends have all slept with each other
My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now and I have met a few of her friends and after a few drinks one night it seems that they have all slept with her and in fact each other! Not at the same time though! It was almost like I was being initiated into a club! I feel really uncomfortable and I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she laughed it off as it was part of her past. That hasn’t helped me I still feel uncomfortable with the whole situation, but I really like her – what can I do?

Lorna Says:
I wonder what your feelings of being uncomfortable are really telling you. It sounds like you felt unheard when you explained to your girlfriend how you felt. It’s easy to say that we all have a past, although it seems in your situation the past, now you know it, affects the present, for you. It must have been a shock to discover this, after a few drinks. Is it something to do with not being part of something that has gone before, as if you are excluded from “the club” you may not have wanted membership to anyway? Perhaps the most important thing to know is that you can both trust each other, going forward. It’s difficult to tell, without assuming, what the uncomfortable-ness is really about. It sounds like you really like your girlfriend and so it will be important to you to be able to resolve this. Can you talk to her again to explain how you really feel and how it impacts on your relationship and the friends you and her have? If you can find a way, together, to understand each other and past experiences, perhaps you will be able to leave it in the past and move forward.

My girlfriend's drinking worries me
Hi, I have fairly recently met a lovely woman who I like a lot. Things are starting to get a little bit serious and she has asked me to move in with her. I think I would like to but I worry about her drinking. She really is lovely 98% of the time but when she drinks she doesn’t seem to know when to stop and she can get nasty with it. She’s never physically abusive but she can be really cutting and it upsets me. She never remembers it the next day and is back to her sweet self again. Am I being silly thinking things will change for the better?


Sue Says:
No not silly at all, you like this woman a lot and so you really want it to work. That’s understandable. We often wish that problems would just disappear by themselves but simply hoping things will change is rarely an effective strategy.

Have you talked to her about your worries? Timing is crucial to successful communication, so choose a time and place when you are both sober and feeling relaxed. Tell her about your concerns and how her behaviour is affecting you. Ask her how she feels about her drinking and listen to what she has to say. If she becomes defensive, stay calm and emphasise your concern for both her and your relationship.

If she is open to seeking help, Alcohol Concern, www.alcoholconcern.org.uk. has a very useful website and runs a six week online course to help develop safer drinking habits www.downyourdrink.org.uk. They also have a directory to locate counselling/treatment services in your area.

If she is dismissive of your concerns you may want to consider whether moving in at this stage is a good idea.

Can you find out about potential new neighbours?
My partner and I have fallen in love with a house and have had our offer accepted on it. We’re really excited about owning our first home together but when we went back to see the house we met our potential new next door neighbour, and neither of us liked him. He was really fishing about boyfriends etc and although he didn’t say anything outright we both felt he was one of ‘those’ guys – the ones who feel all gay women just haven’t ‘met’ the right man yet (and of course they happen to be it!). Now, we can’t make our minds up about the house! Help! How can you check out
your neighbours before committing so much money?

Sue Says:
How disappointing for you both. You can find a number of tips on checking out potential neighbours from The “Neighbours from Hell” website www.nfh.org.uk. This is a ‘not-for-profit organisation originally created by someone who personally suffered. Amongst other things they suggest asking lots of questions, of both the seller and the other neighbours.

But even then this is a very tricky area. There is no guarantee the seller will be totally honest with you, especially if they were moving because of this man.

And if the people you talk to are straight, they may not have experienced this guy in the same way you have.

However much checking you do, it is unlikely you will know for sure unless you move in. The NFH website stresses the importance of not ignoring our intuition in these matters. It’s interesting that both you and your partner had the same feelings about this guy.

You need to consider how it will be for you both if he is one of ‘those’ guys and how you will deal with that. Will you be able to ignore him? What if things get nasty? You may have to get the council or police involved. Is this something you are prepared to take on or not?

For a lot of people, having ‘nightmare neighbours’ can be incredibly distressing. A home is somewhere we want to feel safe and secure. Not all situations can be easily resolved and for some the only solution in the end is moving.